


How I Met Your Father

by ChickenXD



Category: Hatoful Kareshi | Hatoful Boyfriend
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Fix-It, Multi, Ryuuji did not die THUS nageki didn't die and hitori and a lot of other ppl, more characters later ofc
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-26
Updated: 2016-01-24
Packaged: 2018-04-28 05:26:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5079553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChickenXD/pseuds/ChickenXD
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shuu lives with the Kawaras for a month and Ryouta is in no way pleased...<br/>Or as I call it, the Hatoful telenovela</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> in no way related to the how i met your mother show i just want to title it that way

Hi, I'm Kawara Ryouta! You guys are probably pretty familiar with me already, since you guys played the bird game. 

So, um... I have a problem today. 

Luckily it doesn't involve any murder, but that doesn't make it any simpler...

For some strange, convoluted reason out of my control, Iwamine-sensei is now living in my house. 

...uh, yeah, you should... probably be concerned for me. 

This is all my dad's fault. I never approved of this. 

~•~

It all started when I came back from my work one day to find Iwamine-sensei drinking tea with my mum in the living room. 

“Oh?” Mum quickly greeted me. “Ryouta, honey, you're home! How was school?”

“It was fine... the history test wasn't too hard.”

...WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING???

Iwamine-sensei glanced at me for a moment, and then sighed as he continued sipping his tea. 

“H...” This is already awkward. “Hello, Iwamine-sensei.” I bowed down to him – I could see a suitcase behind sitting next to the shoe rack. 

“Hello, Ryouta-kun,” he greeted me, finally, “I never knew you have a part time job.”

Wait, who are you to be calling me by my first name? 

“Oh, he always have been, Shuu,” my mum replied, “Isn't he such a hard-working boy?”

Wait, mum, why are you calling him by his first name too, and with no honorifics –

“Uh, mum?” Dad must've invited him here. “Where's dad?”

“I think he's out to buy some groceries,” she replied, “Honey, you should go to your room if you're tired. I'm sure Shuu wouldn't mind.”

“Oh, no, of course not.” The doctor smiled, “It's perfectly understandable. Hohoho.”

“Alright then...” I bowed down again, “Please excuse me.”

~•~

The second I got into my room, I picked up my phone and texted Hiyoko. 

“Hiyoko you gotta bail me out.”

“Why?” The reply came five seconds later. “Everything ok? Should I kick someone's ass for you?”

“Iwamine is in my house.”

She was silent. 

A minute later, my phone rang – I think you all know who it was. 

“Wait but how?” she asked, clearly shocked, “Is he there for tea or something?”

“Well, he is drinking tea with my mum,” I sighed, “But I think there's a bigger reason than that. Whatever it is –”

“Please don't smash your dad's head in.”

Shit, busted. 

“I'll try, Hiyoko. I'll try.”

I could hear her sigh before she turned her attention back to me.

“If he tries to kill you, call me, alright?”

“Sure.”

“By the way, Yuuya-senpai and Sakuya-kun invited me to a concert tonight, you wanna come along? We've got one extra.”

“I need to do some stuff for work, but thanks. Invite Okosan or something.”

Hiyoko chuckled, “That's not gonna go down well. Anyway, see you tomorrow!”

She hung up. 

Ten seconds after that, I heard the doorbell ring – that's most definitely dad, who forgot to bring his keys again. God, I don't wanna see him right now –

“Ryouta!” I could hear him calling, “Come downstairs! I got you shaved ice!”

Alright, that can't be good. Dad knows how much I like shaved ice, and if he buys me some, it means something bad is going down and he wants to appease me.

Don't believe it? Just watch. 

~•~

So here’s the thing about my dad and Iwamine-sensei. 

They’re actually… dating. Sort of. Not really. 

No, they are actually dating. I’ve got receipts from Yuuya-senpai and Anghel - Senpai somehow has recordings of them flirting in the infirmary, and Anghel said he once saw them… kissing under the tree. 

It’s embarrassing to talk about, okay? 

My mum doesn’t know of this - yet. I can’t bring myself to tell her, because I don’t want her to be sad… and my dad would never tell her he’s cheating on her, obviously. 

But Iwamine-sensei? In my house? Nuh-uh, that’s taking it a bit too far. 

~•~

“So I reckon you have some questions as to why Isa-kun is in our house, right?”

“...yeah.”

We were all sitting around the dinner table - my mum and dad on one side; Iwamine-sensei and me on the other. I was eating my shaved ice, but it felt so uncomfortable with the partridge sitting next to me - it felt like he was watching my every move. 

My dad seemed as relaxed as usual - well, of course he would be. This business of Iwamine-sensei living with us is very favourable for him, after all. 

“The apartment Isa-kun lives in is under renovation,” my dad said, as calmly as usual. “They’re gonna take about a month fixing it, so until then, he’s gonna live with us!”

“I’ll try to help with housework,” Iwamine-sensei added. “Or your homework, if you so wish, Ryouta-kun.”

I turned to look at my mum - I knew I had no say in this. I make my own money, but I’m still their son. Unless she disagrees with dad, it’s going to happen - 

“That sounds wonderful!”

Muuuuuuuuuuuuum...............

She was the only one who could stop this, and she was actually going along with it? I wanted to tell her about dad's relationship, but... I just couldn't. I don't want to make her sad.

Mum, you have no idea what's going to go down in this house. 

“So, Isa-kun sleep in the study, right?”

“Oh, Ryuuji, honey, you haven't cleaned that room in a while... But yes, I think that will be quite alright. I'll get the futon.”

I could feel Iwamine-sensei sneering at me, as if saying, “You can't stop me now. Hohoho.”

Oh my god. There goes my normal life.


	2. Chapter 2

So going to sleep last night did not go down very well, since I couldn’t help but think about Iwamine-sensei and... my dad… fucking in the study.

...well, maybe dad won’t do it on day one, but there’s always a possibility, and… it’ll probably happen sooner or later anyways. 

So I shower, brush my hair, pack my books, and go downstairs. Mum’s in charge of making breakfast, and sometimes I help her, and I guess I’ll have time to help today.

I go downstairs, and walk into the kitchen. I could see some activity in there – mum or dad must be awake.

“Good morning,” I said as I walked in – 

– and I see Iwamine-sensei standing in front of the stove, cooking something. 

He turned around upon hearing my greeting – ”Good morning, Ryouta-kun.”

He was wearing my pink apron over his usual purple shirt, and he seems to be cooking something on the frying pan. 

...is this real?

“Where’s my mum?” 

Actually, did you kill her? Please don’t.

“I told her to go to sleep, since I’ll be making breakfast.” I could see now that he was making pancakes – “What do you like your pancakes with, Ryouta-kun?”

“Honey is fine…”

Wait, wait, this food isn’t coming from a very trustworthy source. Maybe I shouldn’t eat it. 

I could see Iwamine-sensei flipping the perfectly browned pancakes – they look pretty good, actually. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to eat some…

“Morning, Isa-kun!” 

Dad walked into the kitchen while yawning – he was still in his pajamas. He didn’t really seem to notice me standing there, and proceeded to go into the kitchen and gave Iwamine-sensei a kiss on the lips – 

“Good morning, Kawara-sensei. I made you some coffee.” 

“Oh, that’s so kind of you! Are you making breakfast, too?”

“Yes. I hope you like pancakes.”

“Of course I do, especially if it’s made with Isa-kun’s love!” Dad kissed Iwamine-sensei on the cheeks and hugged him, tightly – 

Alright, I can’t watch this shit anymore. 

“I… need to go!” I said as I walked towards the door, “I just remembered that I’m on duty to clean the classroom today! Hiyoko’s waiting for me!”

“But you didn’t have breakfast,” Iwamine-sensei said, still in dad’s embrace. 

“I’ll… buy something on my way to school!”

I walked out of the house and slammed the door behind me. 

...I swear to god. 

 

“Ryouta!”

I turned around to see Hiyoko running towards me, eating a grilled fish. 

“Morning, Hiyoko!”

“So how is it going?” she asked, “With that… fluffy heretic in your house?”

“...terrible, to say the least.”

Hiyoko only laughed as she took another bite out of the fish. “Fine, tell me about it.”

“What, is Iwamine-sensei too loud or something?”

Hiyoko, please don’t joke about that. I don’t need to hear Iwamine-sensei moaning. 

“But why is he even there?”

“His apartment is getting renovated,” I replied with a sigh. “So my dad, being the…  _ gentleman _ he is, offered for Iwamine-sensei to stay in our house.”

I made sure to put an emphasis on the word gentleman. And no, let me stop you right there, he’s not one, or else he would be more faithful to my mum.

“Well, it’s just for a month,” Hiyoko said, “I’m sure it won’t be that bad.”

“I just saw Iwamine-sensei kissing my dad in the kitchen this morning.”

Hiyoko tried hard to suppress her laughter, but it wasn’t very funny to me. 

Imagine knowing that your dad is cheating on your mum with the school doctor and having to stay quiet about it while watching them do all the kinky shit in your house. 

“But I swear to god, Hiyoko, if you have some room in your house, I’d like to live there for a month.”

“You know I live in a cave, right?”

“I’d rather live in hell than live with Iwamine-sensei.”

“Think of it as practice before you actually go to hell.”

Hiyoko, please, you’re not helping very much.

 

Anyway, I hope everything will proceed normally at school today. I don’t need any more weird…

“Kawara-kun!”

I turn around, and saw Uzune-sensei walking towards me, carrying a green lunchbox. 

“Uzune-sensei!” I quickly bowed down, “Good morning!”

“Morning, Kawara-kun.” He handed me the lunchbox, “Here. Iwamine-sensei told me to give this to you.”

...Iwamine-sensei?

“I think it’s best you don’t eat it – he could’ve put cyanide inside.”

“You’re not wrong, sensei…”

I opened the lunchbox, and saw a bento box inside – I didn’t dare open it right now. I’ll probably just dump the contents later. 

I noticed now that there was a note written on a post it… what.

_ “I hope you have an enjoyable lunch today. _

_ ~Love, Iwamine Shuu” _

...I want to die.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this will be continued somewhat lazily.... idk i'm cooking an au too (cooking) cooking


	3. Chapter 3

That feel when you come home one day, 

It’s been a long day at school, you went to work, and one of your coworkers are sick, so you have to take over her duties,

And then you come home,

And you see your shithole of a father shamelessly making out with the school doctor in the living room. 

 

“Wait, Ryouta! I… I can explain this.”

My dad was standing in front of me, smiling sheepishly while sweating nervously – I could see Iwamine-sensei still sitting on the couch, anxiously watching us. 

“What is there to be explained?” I asked – I could hear the growl in my voice – “You… you were kissing Iwamine-sensei.”

“Well, uh…”

“What if someone else had walked in?” I asked, “What if… what if mum had walked in? How are you going to explain that?”

“Y… you see, we weren’t actually – ”

“I know the truth, dad!”

Before I knew it, I had a broom in my hand. 

“This is all just your arrangement!” I yelled, “Iwamine-sensei’s apartment being renovated… it’s just a lie you made up so he can stay with us here, and so you can have your little affairs with him all the time – ”

“Wait, Ryouta, now that is definitely not true! Isa-kun’s apartment really is being – ”

“Shut up!”

Dad was running away from me now, who was swinging the broom mercilessly – he squatted behind the sofa, hiding behind Iwamine-sensei. 

“Isa-kun, save me!”

 

Iwamine-sensei has been living with us for just a week, and my life had been hell. 

Thanks, dad, just… thanks. 

 

First, imagine if you would, waking up in the morning to find them kissing in the kitchen while Iwamine-sensei makes breakfast. 

And then at school, as I go to the infirmary to get my medicine, guess what I usually get to see – Iwamine-sensei and my dad, kissing behind the curtains! It’s happened at least twice since Iwamine-sensei lives with us!

And then at dinner. I have to stay silent as they act oh so lovey dovey, talking about the kind of students who came to the infirmary and whatnot –

Somehow mum doesn’t seem angry about this – does she not know, or has she simply decided to turn a blind eye to this?

Well, things can be worse, I guess – at least Iwamine-sensei hasn’t killed her yet. 

Quite the contrary, actually – they seem to get along just fine, but maybe that’s just because he helps her with house chores. To try to be a good ‘wife’, maybe. 

God, I hate my life. 

 

“Ryouta, what’s up?”

“Hiyoko… where are you?”

“I’m shopping with Sakuya since we want to revamp the library – wait, you sound dejected, you okay?”

“Can we… meet at Torimi cafe? I need emotional support…”

 

So I ended up telling Hiyoko and Sakuya pretty much everything that has been happening this past week. 

About dad and Iwamine-sensei making out at every chance they get, and now… this. 

Hiyoko was trying hard to hold her laughter – well, at least she’s aware of my suffering, she’s just not very good at showing sympathy.

“What should I do, Hiyoko?” I asked, “I… I can’t go on like this! I feel like my family’s going to fall apart at anytime!”

“I mean, your dad won’t let him live anywhere else, would he?” she asked, still giggling – “Sorry, Ryouta, but this… this is plain hilarious.”

“For you, but not for me!”

“Wait, Kawara,” Sakuya cut, “So… Iwamine-sensei is living in your house?”

“Yeah… until his apartment is fixed,” I replied.

“That’s… that’s so cool!”

Sakuya grabbed my shoulders – from the look in his eyes, I could tell he was feeling very excited.

Shit – I forgot that Sakuya here is one of Iwamine-sensei’s few fanboys. 

“I… I demand to have a sleepover!” he declared, “I will arrange this as soon as possible with my parents, if you don’t mind!”

“Sakuya, please,” I sighed, “Life is shit enough at my house, and it’ll just be complicated if…”

“But think about it, Ryouta!” Hiyoko suddenly exclaimed, “If there’s a guest in the house, surely they’d try to act proper, right?”

...wait. 

Yeah, that’s right! I mean, dad would want to keep his relationship with Iwamine-sensei a secret, so by having Sakuya stay over, maybe they will stop being so sickening for a while –

That’s actually brilliant! Why haven’t I thought of this before? 

~•~

So Sakuya arrived at my house two days later, carrying a gym bag full of his things. 

Mum, dad, and Iwamine-sensei were all watching TV in the living room as we walked in. 

“Mum, dad, this is Shirogane Le Bel Sakuya, my classmate,” I introduced – I could already see that dad is somewhat nervous, so this is good! “He’s going to stay here with us for tonight to finish our economy project.”

“H… hello!” Sakuya bowed down. “Nice to meet you, Mr. Kawara, Mrs, Kawara, and Dr. Iwamine!”

“Oh my, you should’ve told us yesterday,” mum said – she was still smiling, though. She always likes having guests, after all. “That way we could’ve prepared for his visit…”

“Don’t worry, Sakuya here is pretty low-maintenance!” 

(You guys know that’s not true, but. Shh.)

“He can sleep in my room! There’s a spare futon there, too – we’ll take it out.”

“Alright then.” Mum nodded happily, “Then I leave this matter in your hands, Ryouta.

“Oh, and dinner will be done soon,” mum added as we walked upstairs. “Just come back down here in… fifteen minutes?”

“Yes, mum!”

 

The atmosphere during dinner was noticeably stiffer, especially between dad and Iwamine-sensei – which is just wonderful, actually. 

Usually you see shit like dad putting food on Iwamine-sensei’s plate and vice versa, asking each other how the food is, and more crap – but none of that tonight. 

Dad is instead trying to strike a friendly conversation with Sakuya, which is working out pretty well, just because dad is dad. 

“So are you an only child, Sakuya-kun?”

“No, I have four more siblings.”

If I remember correctly, there should be five – he must’ve discounted Yuuya. 

“We all come from the same father, but different mothers,” Sakuya explained – I want to ask about Yuuya, but that’ll probably just complicate things…

“Ahh, it must be always bustling in the house, then!” mum said, “Rich people sure are different, being able to afford to have so many children…”

Iwamine-sensei was strangely silent during this whole conversation. He just kept eating, stealing glances at my dad every few minutes, but said nothing. 

“Anyway, what is this economy project about?”

“It’s about the trends in the global oil market and how it is affected by various political factors,” I explained – boy, am I good at making up stories. 

...or does it come from my dad, since god knows how many stories he’d had to make up to explain his relationship with Iwamine-sensei?

...shit,

“We got most of it done, but… since there’s quite a lot left to do, Sakuya just suggested he stay over tonight and we finish it.”

“Well, work hard then, boys!” mum said, “I’m glad to see such hard working students!”

 

Since the whole econ project is… well, fake, after we finished dinner we just went upstairs and started doing our own thing. 

I put on some music in my headphones while doing math, while I could see that Sakuya had taken over my bed. Well – I’ll be sleeping on the futon, I guess… Sakuya probably has never slept in one. 

I went to bed at eleven – surprisingly, Sakuya did get off my bed. 

“You sure, Sakuya? I don’t mind sleeping on the futon,” I asked, “I mean, you’ve never really slept in one, right?”

“Well, now would be a good time to start learning how to!” Sakuya declared, “I am, after all, Japanese!”

He seemed determined, so I took out the futon and let him crawl in. 

 

“Kawara.”

“What is it, Sakuya?”

“You made such a big fuss about your dad having an affair with Iwamine-sensei, but… I’m not seeing any of that.”

“They’re just pretending to be nice,” I sighed, “Once you’ve lived here for a week, you’ll see them start acting up…”

 

Some time passed, and I was pretty sure I had fallen asleep – 

I felt someone shaking my shoulders, so I turned around. 

“Who?”

“It’s me, Sakuya!”

Oh yeah, I forgot he’s staying over…

“What?”

“P… please go to the bathroom with me.”

“I showed you where it is. Next to my parents room, with the white door.”

“Yes, but… I hear someone screaming downstairs.”

My eyes immediately jolt open. 

Is Iwamine-sensei killing someone in the study – more precisely, is he killing mum?

“Oh, now it’s gone…”

“Let’s go check!” I got out of bed and grabbed my flashlight. 

 

And so we walked downstairs – I held the flashlight while Sakuya held a broom. 

“Wait, Kawara,” Sakuya said once we reached the ground floor, “If it’s a ghost, will this broom shoo it away? We’ll need salt too, right?”

“Oh, come on, Sakuya, nobody has ever died in this house,” I said. “Iwamine-sensei is probably just experimenting.”

I looked around – it was dark and empty everywhere, so unless the screaming had actually come from outside, there could only be one other place where the screams could’ve come from –

The study – which happens to be Iwamine-sensei’s room. 

It’s deafeningly silent now – it seems almost unlikely that anything had happened. Could it be that Sakuya is hearing things?

...no, he wouldn’t do this just to prank me. Sakuya isn’t that kind of person. 

And besides, if the screaming really didn’t come from the study, we’d just open the door to find Iwamine-sensei sleeping soundly – that sounds harmless. 

I put my hand on the door’s handle, ready to turn it. Sakuya held up the broom he was holding –

 

I open the door, and inside –

I see dad pinning Iwamine-sensei to the wall – both of them were naked, and… 

I think I froze for a second. 

Now let’s be real here, no amount of sex ed from Yuuya could’ve prepared you for that.

 

“OHHHHHH NOOOOOO!!!”

Sakuya immediately slammed the door shut. 

 

...now that’s what I call a traumatic experience. 

 

Sakuya dragged me back upstairs to my room, and locked the door. 

All the colour was gone from his face, too, and he was sweating. I bet he hadn’t expected that either. 

“H… hhhhhhow could this…” Sakuya turned to me, “How could this be?!”

“I have no idea, Sakuya,” I replied. 

It feels as if I had just been hit by the reality truck, and had been left there to die…

“What did I do to deserve this?”

 


End file.
